I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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