plz talk dirty to me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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