I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
