you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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