thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
