well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
