So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
