I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
