Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Randomize
