Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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