i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
