When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
