My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
