Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
