Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
