my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
