Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
