I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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