Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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