I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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