Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
