i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
