You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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