There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
