She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
