I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
