I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
