I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
