that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
