this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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