We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
