I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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