My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
