She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
