I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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