Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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