he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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