I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize