so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
