He uses pillows to masturbate.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
