Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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