Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
