I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
