i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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