Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
