Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
