So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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