My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
