I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
