We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
