How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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