____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
