I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
