new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
