It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
