Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
