I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
