There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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