My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
